I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
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He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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