Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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