The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
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i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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