my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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