I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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