So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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