I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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