i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
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we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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