My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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