Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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