tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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