can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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