We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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