I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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