I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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