the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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