Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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