me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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