i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize