you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
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