my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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