Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize