Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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