I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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