i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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