Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
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we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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