New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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