My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize