I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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