so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
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He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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