Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
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I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
my liver is dry heaving
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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