Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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