Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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