Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
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Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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