So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
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Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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