Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
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if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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