Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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