i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
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I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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