Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
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He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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