I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
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I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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