i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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