Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize