The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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