My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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