How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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