So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize