Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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