filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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