it was like his penis was on wheels.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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