You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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